I woke up today with a head full of ‘should.’
Mondays often start that way – a list of things running through my mind, hopeful of accomplishment during the week, usually sadly disappointed. ‘Should’ is often ignored. Today, however, ‘should’ feels louder, and more urgent.
It’s not completely a bad thing. There are, after all, things I ‘should’ be doing. Things I really need to be getting on with, to be honest. But the word ‘should’ and I don’t get along too well. It’s a word I find to be heavy with guilt and expectation, scrabbling fox cub claws in my belly. It’s a word that makes me go ‘why should I?’ in a whiny inner voice, a weird sort of self-sabotage, perhaps, or an instinctive bucking against any sort of restraint.
Somebody recently suggested to me that I replace ‘I should’ with ‘I choose to.’ So I did. And it does make a difference. ‘I choose to’ feels lighter, somehow, and as if I might actually have some control over the proceedings. There is no guilt, no devil on my shoulder nagging – rather, there is the calmness of conscious choice. It’s really rather nice.
However, ‘should’ is a hard habit to break. And so there are days when it comes back to ride me once more, driving me to the embrace of the sofa and crisps, rather than the work I should, I mean, I choose to be doing.
Well, enough of my Monday musings. The day is almost over now, and it’s time to share this post. Not because I should, you understand, but because I choose to ;-D
Wishing you all a happy week x